Porky's Revenge and other attractions

After spending two weeks in Naples, the Everglades, and Key West, I have come back with renewed confidence that, while Kentucky may once have been the rare American harbinger for yokels, there are just too many now in this country that they've seeped into every crevice.

1. Their stop signs, despite being the international warning color of red, also have blinking Christmas tree lights around them. Next step to make sure we see a stop sign: tap dancing Queens singing "Stop in the Name of Love" through cheerleader megaphones.

2. Marco Island honkey tonk "Porkey's Revenge" delivers everything you could want from a B budget restaurant: pulled pork marinated in beer baked beans, a Hal Ketchum look alike singing "Family Tradition" to one couple scootin' on the dance floor, 60 percent of the tables occupied by local cops, and waitresses with leather skin wearing boots and Daisy Dukes.

3. Air boat Everglades guide was incomprehensible. My dad was the only one who understood him, and that's because my dad has seen "The Waterboy" so many times that he speaks Farmer Fran.

4. This is very minor, yes I too make grammatical errors and screw up verb tenses, but it was just a too funny moment. The guide at Ernest Hemingway's house in Key West was not on par with guides say of the Louvre. He tried to herd us and scrunch our sweatie bodies into these narrow, no fans, no air conditioning rooms. I refused to scuttle into this spot where I'd be denied of all ventiliation and he got this male condescending machismo thing going against me to the other tourists. Funny thing is soon after, Mr. Set-Others-Straight said "irregardless" in a sentence. I piped up, letting everyone in on how we'd just witnessed the use of a non word in a house that witnessed such eloquence.