My mom called in a tizzy one day. Folks at home didn't know what to do about my name. I remembered recording the gifts my brother and sister-in-law received because I made many snide comments about each gift having been monogrammed. Apparently karma was about to hit because my mom needed to know what initials we'd have, since his last name is a double last name.
Tradition is to have one letter, because tradition is to have one last name, as the center of the first and middle name initials. So I then had to have a discussion with my future husband. Do we cut out your mom's last name or your dad's last name for the sake of our monogram?
We voted and I added a note to our website. But I guess folks thought since we were progressive enough to legally keep both his parent's last names as our name, they then had questions about my middle name.
Will I keep my middle name? Or will my maiden name become my middle name?
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The Ride Stops Here Reality TV
Reality stars I fear your light is fading. You all have the same drama, the same tears, the same arrogance, and the same metaphor. "Oh what a ride this is," "It's just been a roller coaster of emotions," "It's a constant up and down ride." In the South, we're known for colloquialisms that no one ever really uses. Here are some ideas to express the tumult you experience during these tragic, overexpensed free rides to fame you get.
1) I felt like a frog romping blindly in the pond. Some days there's a lilly pad waiting for me, some days there's not.
2) It's like being a bullet zipping through the open landscape of the plantation until you run smack dab into a willow tree.
3) It's like having a mason jar full of rich molasses. You don't know when it will be savory or when it will stick you and hold you down.
4) I never imagined I'd feel like any day someone could pull a wood slat out from under my bed frame.
5) It was like being tea sat out on the front porch under the sweltering sun until I was pulled in and sweetened.
6) It was like being a crawdad resting lazily in a stream. You never knew whether you'd be free or have your brains sucked out when some kid lifted the rock.
7) This experience was as altering as the hemline on Blanche Devereaux's skirts.
1) I felt like a frog romping blindly in the pond. Some days there's a lilly pad waiting for me, some days there's not.
2) It's like being a bullet zipping through the open landscape of the plantation until you run smack dab into a willow tree.
3) It's like having a mason jar full of rich molasses. You don't know when it will be savory or when it will stick you and hold you down.
4) I never imagined I'd feel like any day someone could pull a wood slat out from under my bed frame.
5) It was like being tea sat out on the front porch under the sweltering sun until I was pulled in and sweetened.
6) It was like being a crawdad resting lazily in a stream. You never knew whether you'd be free or have your brains sucked out when some kid lifted the rock.
7) This experience was as altering as the hemline on Blanche Devereaux's skirts.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
A More Inconvenient Truth: Celebrities are the Biggest Polluters
Every time I shower I want to punch Cameron Diaz. "Ladies you can help save the environment by turning the water off while you shave your legs." Really Cameron, I should take a shower without water? Okay maybe it was Renee or Penelope or...who cares?
Celebrities who own and energize houses with square footage of small countries, lapping in the luxury of their lake size swimming pools that require more water and energy than Baltimore uses in a year, need to shut their Botox enhanced faces. The small pleasure peons like me can have in life is running water for the ten minutes we have to shower before heading off to our thankless, payless, and real jobs.
By the way Al Gore, I hear you use 20% more energy than the average American. Thanks for making America cry over seeing polar bears treading water because their glacier homes are melting. Thanks for turning your environmental profit into a materialistic surplus for your burgeoning waistline.
I'm going to shave my legs now, maybe for fifteen minutes this time.
Celebrities who own and energize houses with square footage of small countries, lapping in the luxury of their lake size swimming pools that require more water and energy than Baltimore uses in a year, need to shut their Botox enhanced faces. The small pleasure peons like me can have in life is running water for the ten minutes we have to shower before heading off to our thankless, payless, and real jobs.
By the way Al Gore, I hear you use 20% more energy than the average American. Thanks for making America cry over seeing polar bears treading water because their glacier homes are melting. Thanks for turning your environmental profit into a materialistic surplus for your burgeoning waistline.
I'm going to shave my legs now, maybe for fifteen minutes this time.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Purity
I started out at a private college in Nashville, TN. Almost two hours from home, my grandfather still knew the families of friends I made there. One of these friends--I'll call her Ruth--happened to be the daughter of the Purity Dairies business, makers of my favorite brand of ice cream growing up.
This private college was also very religious. I had six credits of Bible after the first semester. For spring break that year Ruth, myself, and some other friends, all with two first names of course, drove to Panama City Beach, FL.
Ruth drove since she had the largest SUV. One night while we drove, or stalled along the strip, some guys leaned into the open windows. Apparently they wanted a "look at all the virgins." How'd they know we were pure and innocent?
Clearly Purity Dairies wasn't as popular that far South. Ruth's license plate--PURITY--was taken for an advertisement of chastity instead of milk.
This private college was also very religious. I had six credits of Bible after the first semester. For spring break that year Ruth, myself, and some other friends, all with two first names of course, drove to Panama City Beach, FL.
Ruth drove since she had the largest SUV. One night while we drove, or stalled along the strip, some guys leaned into the open windows. Apparently they wanted a "look at all the virgins." How'd they know we were pure and innocent?
Clearly Purity Dairies wasn't as popular that far South. Ruth's license plate--PURITY--was taken for an advertisement of chastity instead of milk.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Necks
Thank you Nora Ephron for saving me from wasting my neck away. I never realized the youth and beauty in a neck until you described the effects of aging on this seemingly ambivalent region.
Because of your latest book and advice, I've opted for V-necks and bateau necks. I'm even delving into strapless sweetheart necks.
My turtlenecks, cowl and mock, are now on sabbatical in the attic. I promise not to invite them back until my neck is the proper age for concealing.
Because of your latest book and advice, I've opted for V-necks and bateau necks. I'm even delving into strapless sweetheart necks.
My turtlenecks, cowl and mock, are now on sabbatical in the attic. I promise not to invite them back until my neck is the proper age for concealing.
Monday, May 19, 2008
They Ain't Just Crossing Guards
I still have a hard time calling Stewardesses, "Flight Attendants" and Librarians, "Media Specialists." I was just getting used to calling Crossing Guards, "Traffic Officers" when I saw a new title.
Stopped at the green light as the Orioles fans, mostly Red Sox fans, crossed the walk, I fixated on the fluorescent lime green vests of the traffic officers. Two of the three wore vests stating they were officers. But one of them was clearly in charge. His vest identified him as the "Traffic Sergeant".
True to form of all superior ranking officers, Sarge was leaning against the fence yapping on the phone instead of helping control the flow of traffic. He should be promoted to Traffic Captain for his leadership.
Stopped at the green light as the Orioles fans, mostly Red Sox fans, crossed the walk, I fixated on the fluorescent lime green vests of the traffic officers. Two of the three wore vests stating they were officers. But one of them was clearly in charge. His vest identified him as the "Traffic Sergeant".
True to form of all superior ranking officers, Sarge was leaning against the fence yapping on the phone instead of helping control the flow of traffic. He should be promoted to Traffic Captain for his leadership.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Cookies and Milk, No Cigs
My favorite homeless man does smoke. Because of my fiance's job, we now have four cartons of cigarettes. As grateful for the Baltimore smoking ban as I thought I'd be, it's harder to find smokers who'd maybe buy these cartons. And my quarterly conscience has kicked in. I try to get all the wicked out of me before this happens, but goodness and mercy came early this year. So I've:
Replaced my cigarettes gift to the homeless with 2% milk,
Donated to the Alzheimer's Association in memory of Granny, who we're
almost positive had a stroke and not Alzheimer's,
Given money to an animal shelter that finds homes for old, rejected pets
because we've borrowed our neighbor's old cat instead of adopting
one that didn't already have a perfectly good home, and
Decided not to hock the cigarettes on the black market even though they
could single-handedly pay for the DJ at my wedding.
Replaced my cigarettes gift to the homeless with 2% milk,
Donated to the Alzheimer's Association in memory of Granny, who we're
almost positive had a stroke and not Alzheimer's,
Given money to an animal shelter that finds homes for old, rejected pets
because we've borrowed our neighbor's old cat instead of adopting
one that didn't already have a perfectly good home, and
Decided not to hock the cigarettes on the black market even though they
could single-handedly pay for the DJ at my wedding.
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